current life. brain was picked, pictures were taken.


Born March 11th. Favorite color purple. Young. Attracted to people of all types, shapes, and sizes. Freeing oneself. Omnivore.

I love, I do my best to live, & I find peace. 

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” -Jim Morrison

Living the life I love, loving the life I live.

October 26th 11:34pm So pumped. Cars working, mostly, and I have a job as a shot girl starting Friday. They encourage me to dance, but Idk about showing off my tata’s… but it is good money! Idk we’ll see. Gotta end the semester off with at least a 3.5 and that’s the important thing. Hopefully it’ll all work out the way I’m planning. I’m happy currently, and I helped someone learn some Italian. Changing the world a person at a time. 

October 21st 10:11pm Life’s been better, been talking with family more, Pitying myself less, and my car was fixed.. except a day later my transmission begins slipping. woot. But life is swell. Tomorrow I have my last 9am Saturday class, the next week is an exam, and I’m pumped. I’m tired, and it’s only 10:13, wth? A “friend” says he might drive to Oakland just so I can smoke some chronic. I’m fucking pumped. for freeeee. :D 
Ohhhhh I’ve had a very good boy story btw, but I musn’t leak out information yet. Except he’s cute, and I had a lovely time with him. Yes I’m setting myself up for failure with him though… so expect a “hate all boys” update with in the next few weeks.. although I might get lucky ;)
October 14th 7:09pm I’ve been having a hard week or two. Finally making college friends, so that’s been dope, but everything else is just hard. The only class I’m A’ing is the other language that I have no clue what goes on. The rest are B’s, so that ain’t bad but I’m always an A student…. so I guess I’ll study more? ha. Well My uncle died. I’ll probably upload a photo of him and one of my brothers in a minute. Boys been treating me like poo, but that’s normal. I do have a date Saturday but the boy scarcely replies, basically he texts like I do. But I’m so stressed about things idk if the date will go well! Let’s hope, and who knows he might even flake anyway. My dad made me feel guilty that I had fun last night. It was my friend’s 22nd bday and she drove to my school, paid for me and a friend of mine to go to a club, bought her own drinks, and brought me home leaving me with a nice blunt, just so I could be her designated driver. Well I lost her keys, like they fell out of my pocket, so all night I soberly danced around grinding it on her, and doing popping and bending shit that white girls shouldn’t do… just so she wouldn’t panic, because I knew by the end of the night we’d find them, and we did. It was good, and I seen my other best friend, and the woman Tammy I hold dear. My dad was a shit head, and thinks I should feel guilty for this. I paid for nothing, if I wouldn’t have done this I would have been in my room studying, but I should be going to Mt. Pleasant with my family every other day, but I can’t because I have classes. She picked me up, brought me back the next day. I don’t have a lot of spare time, and if you won’t get me (since my car is broke) then I can’t even see you guys. Well, I’ve called him everyday to see how everyone was doing, but because I didn’t call my mom (step) personally I’m a shitty person… uh no. I’m struggling, I went and had fun instead of dwelling in my pity. 
My car was supposed to be fixed the past few weeks in a row, but everytime something is fixed, something else is discovered to make it undrivable.  So I had this car for a year now, got to drive it four months, wait three drive it three weeks, wait 7 months fix it have it two hours, and I’ve put over $1000 in repairs already. I coulda saved for a running vehicle, not an imaginary one. So, I’m thinking I need a car that’s cheaper to repair because, as I’ve complained before, a mercury’s parts are too expensive for a broke ass college girl. So he bought one part $164+shipping, I just did 700, and he’s the big man. He’s maybe now paid for 500 to help me in 8 years, unless you count the xmas gifts my ma buys me. So I think I’m aloud to sell the car that’s in my name if I put all that into it, sorry you put 200. I’M NOT MEANING TO RANT. Well he told me this, and I was instantly pissy, like ya know this is a money sucker of any money I have, but I’m not mad at my dad. I understand cars get shitty and he doesn’t have the money. well he says instead of having fun I should be getting a job. I can’t get a job, unless it’s walking distance, with no car. I shouldn’t have came to flint still. Why (I already explained this argument)? So I sent him a text, because after calling me names he hung up on me, saying I didn’t smoke or drink, I was dd for a girl I’ve known as long as you, and she paid for it all. There is no way for me to get quick money unless you want me to strip so don’t be angry with me because you’re stressing. His rebuttal was the phone thing. So I just stopped. Everyone’s hurting, and Being made feel like crap isn’t going to get me anywhere in life. 
OOOHHHHH main reason I’m upset, when my car was supposed to be fixed I said I’d just drive to Uncle Ronnie’s funeral. My dad said, No, that’d be a waste of gas we’ll all just ride together after your classes. But now that my car is fixed he won’t come get and take me. So I called my brother but it’s just stresssss. Idk if I should even go on a date, it’s with a prick I have yet to update you about, but Ima be spoiled one night. 
Here’s the pic:
That’s my mom, Ronnie and my now sister Anna Mae, was his daugher.  

October 4th 8:48 I didn’t mean for an entire month to go by. Update:My car was fixed, it broke down the same day, I’m out of money, I’m currently boy crazy, I’m on kolonopin and paroxotine, I’ve made a lot more friends, I didn’t get into a sorority, I lost my voice, I’m going to my first college party Saturday, I’m much more confident, I’m having fun and stressing out, my mother bought me pink hair dye, my father bought me a car part, and I think that’s it.



September 1st 2:26am I’ve been at my University a few days now, and I do like it. I feel too much still though. Currently because I’ve been listening to feel worthy music. Otherwise it’s about how much shit is in the world, or the lack of care from not only strangers but the people who are suppose to care. But I’ve been happy, yes. Kinda alone, but it’s only the beginning. I’m going to see Big Sean soon. (: and I have a seat 10 rows from stage. yeaaaa. I am going to that alone though haha. Oh well. My first class is tomorrow, Vocal Technique. Then Friday is Intro to Logic and Italian. I can’t sleep at night lately, thank goodness I don’t have a.m. classes. (: Wish I had a friend to come occupy me, but with time yet again.

August 23rd 8:23am
I’ve been stressing out lately, and I hate it. I wish I didn’t do it so often. I am good now though. I have to finish packing today though. Procrastination anyone? Bahahhaha (add side note) I’m watching a show called “Friends w/benefits”.  Freaking hilarious dry humor. Well, I thought I’d have more to say but my attention span is small. 

August 17th 3:44pm
11 days before I go off to school. (: I’m pumped. But so nervous. I’m trying to remember I’m alive all the time. I remembering the things I deserve. I just care all the time, and feel so much. Apathy is something I know little of. I don’t know all that I want, but I do know I want a 4.0 this semester. Everything is gonna change, and it’s a good thing, but change makes me uneasy. 


July 10th 4:58PM
What if a mistake doesn’t seem like it’s a mistake. Maybe I should stop caring about what people think or feel, and just about what I think and feel.
 

June 24th 11:56 PM
I’m working a Ren Fare tomorrow. I’m being a fairy. I feel like I’m catching the most annoying head cold. I’m going into anthropology in the fall at Oakland University. I’m still contemplating whether or not Joe is worth my effort. I feel like in my heart he is, but my brain (& logic) doesn’t allow me to believe him. That’s the only update in almost two months for you. 

May 2nd 12:26 PM
I’m finding that no matter what I want to do, someone wants to do it more. No matter what I love, someone else loves it more. No matter how good I am at something, someone is better.  No matter how I feel, someone else feels it truer than I. Winning? No. “Bi-winning”? Not even. 

Stupid. 
I’m not going to get anywhere moping about it, but I don’t know how to get anywhere even when I pick myself up. 

April 7th 2:56 PM 
My feeling can be best described with the song Missed the Boat- Modest Mouse.
I feel good. I’m happy. I messed up, could have had it better, so there’s an underling depressive attitude. But I gotta make the best of my mistakes, realize the pain, and dance on my grave.  

March 30th 5:14 PM 


I’ve heard that I’m very similar to Liz (personality wise), by five people now. One of those (and one other) have now said I look like her. 
Maybe she’s the twin my parents said died. 

March 25th 3:32am. I was awoken tonight, and usually this would be upsetting, but of course this isn’t the case. For about a half hour after being awoken, the time was used to humor me, and from then on was to satisfy my physical needs. I can’t complain one tiny bit. 
Of course I’m having difficulties sleeping now, with my body being forced to circulate blood quicker than usual.
Maybe I’ll do some yoga and try to catch some z’s.  gn.  

March 24th 2:27am. thoughts running through my head. I’m stoked about this job! I’m trying so hard to get back on my feet, no more biwinning, just get to the place where I’m constantly winning.

 I’m currently at the place with mania, good intentions, big dreams, and high potential. Feeling creative, inspired and productive. I’m getting a job, before two long fixing my car, and then getting a real place to stay. Outlooks is good, and I can have it achieved with in four weeks.

I also want to continue my education. I’m thinking one, two, maybe three classes a day. Once a week. Every semester. This way my education will be continuously rising, and I’ll be paying out of pocket (so that I won’t be owing anymore than what is already adding up from my UofM loans). I’m wanting to take music, acting, english, and psychology classes for now. I’m really excited and motivated to get started. And this way I won’t feel like I’ve been wasting around once I move through the country.


I try and not worry about love, because I haven’t decided what kind of relationship I want right now, and I’m young! I do get lonely, and as a human I crave companionship and attention. I’m trying not to dwell on it and just have fun. Just a few months ago I was singleish, but also had boyfriend(s)… For instance, I had one to satisfy my physical needs, one to satisfy my crave of a thrill, one to satisfy my intellectual need, and one to confide in. And we’d go on dates, flirt, live life and it was awesome. But just a few months before that I had a great long term relationship, yes it ended terribly- but it was fantastic when we made it thrive.

I have one problem.. bipolar.. some people act as if it isn’t a real problem, but I suppose they just don’t truly understand. It’s a personality disorder, and one week I’m one version of myself, but a week later it’s another… But it isn’t my personality that’s affected, I’m not schizophrenic, I just take on different attitudes. I grow different emotions that trigger my reactions. My morals constantly evolving because with each mood I take on, I also take on a point of view. It seems like 90% of the time I have no control of my actions. This isn’t to say that it’s a bad thing, because (unless I’m depressive) I genuinely like myself and don’t regret the actions I make. > I do wish this was just a phase though, not a life long battle. Or if there was just a way to learn how to manage it and “make it my bitch”. lol.
READ THIS: http://bownielikesturtles.tumblr.com/post/4053639773/i-am-tired-of-being-bipolar

I’m just wanting to find happiness…
I’m doing my best to not worry about things that are out of my control.

I learned something long ago:
Think positive, I can get anything I want, all I have to do is think about it.

(updating)